How does it feel? (retro post)

When people say love doesn't have a limit do you believe them? Has anyone ever told you that they "loved you" but soon to find out their love was conditional... They tell you that they can't just be friends because they love you too much or because their feelings were too strong, do you ever just want to call their bluff? I find myself in some of the oddest circumstances and wanting to erase moments like this because of the outcome that follows.

Love is self-defining... what one person feels is TRUE love is not the same for another as much as we all would like to put love into a box and tie a pretty little bow around it we cant... It's a very abstract thing.

As I sat doing my hair today I was bored with t.v. and decided to watch Ghost Whisperer. In this particular episode there was an autistic couple, one of them happen to suffer a tragic death and before he crossed over he wanted to show his mate what love is.... this episode was touching in itself but I think it all clicked for me when the ghost turned to the main character and said... "What does love feel like?"  I know what ya'll are thinking.. "Adrienne, you are just too emotional and over think it all", but really I just loved that question... (I reiterate LOVE IS ABSTRACT).

Now I pose this question to y'all... WHAT DOES LOVE FEEL LIKE? I'm not just talking any love, I'm referring to romantic love. Is it like what we see in the movies where love just hits you like a ton of bricks and cupid plays dart board with your ass? Nah, I doubt that's it! (Although it would be funny to see that in real life) Does love feel like those butterflies people describe when they get around someone they just utterly adore? Personally I cannot answer that... those butterflies make me want to chug some pepto (no lie).

Being that I cannot answer what it feels like for y'all I will try to run down my "experience" with love (brace yourselves this should be interesting).

Now let me just give y'all a little insight into the situation that just occurred about 30 minutes ago... *All names have been changed, except mine lol*

Mark: "I understand you have a man, but I dont care about that, I want my Adrienne back"
Me: "Your Adrienne? Ok Mark what does that even mean?"
Mark: "Remember the times when we werent arguing, we had so much fun together and I wont even talk about the sex"
Me: "Riiiiiiiiiiight... well friends is always a good thought"
Mark: "I dont want to be your friend, I cant be your friend... When I told you I loved you I meant it"
Me: "OH please... when you told me you loved me you tried to renig on it, so therefore making it null & void"
Mark: "Ok.. if that's how you feel, just know I meant what I said, you're free to believe what you want. I dont wanna be friends"
Me: "Then your friends is limited and selfish"

You see that crap right there... THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH, stupidity!!

Personally I do not believe this mutha-sucka for crap... any man who ever loves me will NEVER tell me what he can't be if he really wanted me in his life. The fact that he cannot respect the fact that I have someone else in my life that I've chosen to be with is another sign that my heart is not in his best intrest... oooooh the signs of a selfish-lover! Even if I cannot define what love feels like I can tell you what it's not... and this it is not!

Exception to the rule

Mars VS Venus, Men VS Women, Dogs VS. Cats... its all the same argument day in and day out. This on going battle between men and women and let me be the 1st to say I am tired of fighting. It only gets worse when its within your race. How often I am tired of men making comments about "Black women this, Black women that"! when on the flip-side men are so quick to let you know they are not YOUR past. This is all fine and dandy but honestly I'm tired of trying to be that exception to the stereotype for my counterparts. I love black men, I do, but I dont get it. When did it become only attractive to be a black women when we shut up get on our knees or lay on our backs. Give me the black man that looks at a black woman and his first thought is, what a Queen... not damn look at her ass!

Do not get me wrong, I love my sexuality, I embrace it, but THAT IS NOT WHO I AM... men do not look at me and see the value beyond my hips and breast and step to me with these preconceived notions that I am not worth the time of a conversation because all I will do is yell or roll my neck. *Someone please tell me you understand how irritating this is for me*

Men are constantly going on and on about how they want a woman who has more to her mind than to her body, but will stay going after that which is superficially beautiful. All that makeup and tight clothing cannot bring you someone who will love and care and cherish you until you're dying days. I for one am done dealing with that, a real man understands real beauty is from within and a real BLACK man understands that a real BLACK woman will bend over backwards and do for you as long as you treat her with respect and Godly love.

Love Always,
  A. Noelle

Love? (Retro Post)

 

Noun:

An intense feeling of deep affection: "their love for their country".

Verb:

Feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone): "do you love me?".

Noun:

A gentle feeling of fondness or liking.

Physical expressions of these feelings.

Synonyms:

love - fondness - attachment - liking

     Falling in love is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life and so far it's only be twice. Why is it hard? Because giving yourself to someone who isn't God is trusting them with a lot more then they may realize. When someone says "I love you", I wonder do they ever fully understand the responsibility that comes along with those 3 seemingly harmless words.  

    I'm sure I'm not alone in this but I find myself loving hard, which is why I've never been the person to fall in love with everyone I met to begin with... Story of my life is typically in relationships my happiness level is closer to 0 then it is to 10 and when reflecting back on these relationships it has typically been because the male counterpart was not serious about the relationship. I feel like I'm falling into that mold again. I know I haven't blogged in a really really long time but I feel like I wanted to publicly get this off my chest if not to solely help me but maybe someone is feeling the same way and can take comfort in the struggle of having to truly work to have a positive relationship that you feel was worth your time. 

     I cry often. The significant other in this case doesn't know this but I do, I cry about everyday because despite it all I truly feel alone. He finds himself frustrated with me because I try to convey to him my feelings but in true male fashion he doesn't understand. I feel like I'm often at the end of my rope, everyday is a new day and a new opportunity to make it a better relationship, but its really hard for me. I'm not in need of anything, but when I say I'm alone I dont feel that emotional attachment I once felt before. I feel a disconnect and I'm lost. In all of my "infinite" wisdom about my favorite subject I can never manage to rationalize and solve my own love problems. Its a tough pill to swallow when you're whole life is and what I perceive to be my God given purpose is LOVE. You begin to feel like a failure. 

     The one thing I've told myself forever is when you fall in love YOU GIVE YOUR ALL UNTIL YOU HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO GIVE.... NOTHING. My generation is full of those who are ready to give up and walk away or "on to the next" because they feel like people are disposable and feelings are irrelevant. That's never how I've felt and I'm glad to be old fashion. Now-a-days love is hard to come by... TRUE/LASTING LOVE so when you get it, you never want to let it go, but what do you do when you feel alone. It's hard to be confident in love when you're not confident in the relationship. 

     I don't know if it's just me, but I honestly feel like if the man finds his significant other truly worth it, he will make her feel like she is the most loved and beautiful thing that has crossed his path. I don't get that... I don't get anything. He tells me that he'd rather show it then say it, but thats never easy when you;re without. I don't know if its just me or I really am being foolish. I just wish there was a way I could wave a magic wand and fix everything and make it go back to the way it was when we first met, that was a feeling I'd never felt before and I'd rather never go away. 

Sorry to burden anyone with the trials and tremors of my heart, but I needed an out and this came to mind. 

Love always, 

A. Noelle 

Do I know what I want?!?

Why is it that some men seem to think that women just want what they see in the movies. Is it possible that maybe we have our own minds, and our own opinions on love. I just recently had this conversation with a friend of mine about relationships. He asked me what is it that I want/need from man... I closed my eyes took a deep breath and just started typing from my heart...

I just wanted to get this quick thought off my chest, not knowing if anyone else feels like me. I feel like from the moment I discovered what romantic love is, its been the bane of my existence and my reason for being at the same time... (My life is an oxymoron)


These are the things I desire:

• I want a guy who listens to me...even when i repeat myself, a guy who no matter how irrational or stupid im being is still there and has patience with me
• a guy who is a protector... at the end of the day when the world is falling around me he is my safe house... I want someone who is my best friend.... all my inhibitions are gone when we are together and I am me 110%
• I would like to find a guy who feels the same about me... we share the same views but can respect difference of opinions... he doesnt judge me he doesnt try to rule over me he loves me even when i cant seem to love myself
• 
  
  
  
  
  

Love is My Ribcage

"When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No... don't blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away..." Captain Corelli's Mandolin


I decided to come back with a bang... I know I've been gone for awhile and I wanted to reinvent myself... I had a moment of self discovery and realized that Relationships/Love/Matters of the heart, is my reason d'etre, i.e. My reason to be. My topics varied before and I sure hereafter they will do the same, but I really want to concentrate on l'amour!! I have now dubbed myself Aphrodite's Apprentice.. I feel like all that she is & represents is me... a fabulous goddess reincarnated... (yea I pumped my head up like that). So as my grand return I would like to address "what love is".... I decided to throw y'all a movie quote to get the flow started... and boy did it give a great visual of what love really is... Let's begin, shall we?

noun
1.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.3.
sexual passion or desire.


Although love is clearly defined in a dictionary, it's very rarely that simple in real life. There are some people out there that seem to just stumble upon love like a penny on the side of the road (Those people make me sick, sorry but they do lol)... But I'm not here to bash those who have found what deep down we are all looking for, someone to love and be loved by. Since love is what we are looking for... what is this raw emotion that leaves us feeling like we are either doped up on every drug imaginable or leaves us feeling physically sick and trumps every other emotion humanly possible?

Warning!! Religious Views Ahead. If you wish to skip this part please proceed to click the X. Thank you

If you are a Christian like me you believe in a sole creator, otherwise known as God. God created man & woman, according to Genesis God made Eve (the 1st woman) out of Adam's (the 1st man) rib. If you know anything about anatomy and the location of the ribcage, you know that it surrounds the vital organs such as your lungs and heart (Does anyone see where I'm going with this???). The ribcage is a core portion of the human skeleton because of its purpose and ability to protect. Now since the ribs protect the lungs which we need to breathe and the heart which pumps blood through our entire body, it is in my opinion that God chose this part of the body because he wanted to make man a match out of something that so simply personifies the feelings we have when we fall in love... i.e Woman= Love (yea I said it, just kidding). Seriously though, God created the emotions we feel and inorder to convey that emotion more clearly he made a match for his creation from his creation inorder to provide for that creation what He himself would.. unconditional security.

When you meet that special person the first thing you feel is that moment of breathtaking glee (LUNGS)... when you realize you have found love, you feel as though your HEART is bursting out of your chest or pumping so hard that you feel butterflies. The few times I've been in love, every moment I spent thinking of them this feeling of security washed over me to know that my heart was safe, my heart's protection, the very person I trusted my life and very being with... my RIB.


I don't know if for some of you this is a good explanation, but to me this is the best way to explain what love is... we all know that it goes deeper than that, but then I'd be writing a thesis instead of a blog (Am I right?!?)  This question will probably be around for years to come with different views and explanations. Honestly no one can answer what love is like the tremors of your heart... but whatever has you feeling as if the world was yours, thank YOUR ribcage.




XOXO
 A. Noelle

The Day I Fell in Love....

How do you know when you've fallen in love? Is there some checklist that you mark off? Can you feel it like growing pains? Does it have a sound? A taste? A smell?

Have you met someone and something is just different about them? You go through the cliche "I cant stop thinking about them" moments... You find yourself smiling by yourself because you thought or saw something that reminded you of a time you spent with them? When you think of the time you have spent with them good or bad you cant help but be a kinder more gentle person because those thoughts make you warm inside? Yea, as mushy as it all sounds I think I'm experiencing these feelings all over again. 

I've asked myself these questions over and over with every relationship that I've managed to tangle my emotions into.... With that said... I wonder if  I can answer the questions I've asked because the future isn't in my grasp. I understand the love I have for my family & friends, but this love between two people that in God's divine plan makes you cross paths (in my case) at the most inopportune time.... 

As much as I'd like to avoid the thought of one day sharing myself with my "other half"... It's damn near inevitable. I watch tv, I listen to music, I flip through magazines and damn near EVERYTHING is pertaining to love and how to find it. To quote my best friend "I am in love and I hate it"

I dont even know if I can truthfully speak on it as much as I want to at the moment because the tremors of my heart are as unpredictable as the waves of the ocean. I feel like Im scared to let myself fully love because I dont want to get hurt, but who does? This is the moment of my life that I fear and look forward to all at the same time.... I think about it daily because I am and always will be a hopeless romantic (I blame disney whole-heartedly)! Everything I read, watch and chose to be in life pertains to that emotion that is more addictive than cocaine...

In the words of my fave Corinne Bailey Rae.... "Is this love, is this love, is this love... that I'm feeling?"... Stay tuned!

Collage of Existance

Purpose
–noun


1. the reason for which something exists or is done, made, used, etc.

2. an intended or desired result; end; aim; goal.

3. determination; resoluteness.

4. the subject in hand; the point at issue.

5. practical result, effect, or advantage: to act to good purpose.
 
 
 
We all have a purpose, or atleast we are told we have one. What do you do when you feel like you can't find that purpose that is supposedly intended for you to fulfill? I struggle with that thought day to day. As much as I keep a poker face, on the inside I'm fighting an internal struggle because I know I have a greater mission... I have a passion, but when do I get the chance to show the world that Adrienne is somebody? If you can even remotley relate on some small scale to what I'm saying.... this blog is for YOU!
 
 
Life is the result of a well traveled journey, you only gain life when you have made your marks on your tapestry. These notches and imperfections make you who you are, they define you and ONLY you... but while you are treading along in the trials and tribulations of this grand masterpiece you find yourself asking... "What is my purpose?" If you have never asked yourself this question, on some small scale id have to wonder if you are human!!
 
Im not gonna lie, today I had a breakdown because at the age of 23 I feel like I should have it figured out by now (IM SO VERY WRONG). As I sat in my pool of self-pity and pessimism I realized that THIS moment right here... gets me NO WHERE! We all have our complications and our moments of defeat when whe are trying to find our way (this I realized when I replayed a convo I had with a friend of mine from work).
Personal example, I find my greatest joy in writing, giving advice through my writing and exposing myself to anyone who is willing to listen in hopes that my faults may help the next.... but how do I translate that into a career... something I can be proud of! I know I've found the answer to that issue because I want to be a therapist... I want to write my own column in damn near any publication I can get my hands on acutually, just so my voice can be heard! I love the love I receive when someone I've NEVER met tells me that they really enjoyed reading my positivity! It has got to be the most fulfilling feeling in the world.
 
I guess the point I'm trying to make through my self-absorbed rambling is that you're purpose is like the invisible wall you continue to run into, but because you cant see it you dont believe it's there! Trust me at some point you realize who you want to be and try to figure out what steps you need to take to make that happen for you... DO NOT.... I REPEAT... DO NOT settle for some mediocre complacent "goal" you have made for yourself. Go after your dreams (as cliche as that sounds) follow your heart... If I've never seemed more sincere this is the moment I ask you to listen to me. Playing it safe gets you nowhere but unhappy and resentful. God gave us this chance to touch the world from our hearts and imprint eachother's souls... don't miss your chance to be that beautiful fabric in the quilt of life that puts the bigger picture all together. We all have our indivdual talents that at some point and time we realize. Me, for instance, could not put into words the things I can write... thus I am so much better expressing any emotion through my writing. I have a friend who is utterly inspiring with his determination to be the best physical therapist ever... sure his steps may not be conventional but when you look at the bigger picture, they definately all make sense.
 
Purpose is the outcome of determination. You will find your purpose through the chances you take during your journey to be all that you can be (damn those navy commercials). I guess at the end of the day Im writing the entry more for myself than anyone else but I just have to get this off my chest... Whenever you have the finish line in your sight and life seems to want to push you 10 steps back, plant your feet firmly and realize you may stumble but will not be moved... you are always pushing forward and those "backwards steps" are just stepping stones on your way to the end!
 
 
Live. Love. Laugh
 
    A. Noelle