Love? (Retro Post)

 

Noun:

An intense feeling of deep affection: "their love for their country".

Verb:

Feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone): "do you love me?".

Noun:

A gentle feeling of fondness or liking.

Physical expressions of these feelings.

Synonyms:

love - fondness - attachment - liking

     Falling in love is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life and so far it's only be twice. Why is it hard? Because giving yourself to someone who isn't God is trusting them with a lot more then they may realize. When someone says "I love you", I wonder do they ever fully understand the responsibility that comes along with those 3 seemingly harmless words.  

    I'm sure I'm not alone in this but I find myself loving hard, which is why I've never been the person to fall in love with everyone I met to begin with... Story of my life is typically in relationships my happiness level is closer to 0 then it is to 10 and when reflecting back on these relationships it has typically been because the male counterpart was not serious about the relationship. I feel like I'm falling into that mold again. I know I haven't blogged in a really really long time but I feel like I wanted to publicly get this off my chest if not to solely help me but maybe someone is feeling the same way and can take comfort in the struggle of having to truly work to have a positive relationship that you feel was worth your time. 

     I cry often. The significant other in this case doesn't know this but I do, I cry about everyday because despite it all I truly feel alone. He finds himself frustrated with me because I try to convey to him my feelings but in true male fashion he doesn't understand. I feel like I'm often at the end of my rope, everyday is a new day and a new opportunity to make it a better relationship, but its really hard for me. I'm not in need of anything, but when I say I'm alone I dont feel that emotional attachment I once felt before. I feel a disconnect and I'm lost. In all of my "infinite" wisdom about my favorite subject I can never manage to rationalize and solve my own love problems. Its a tough pill to swallow when you're whole life is and what I perceive to be my God given purpose is LOVE. You begin to feel like a failure. 

     The one thing I've told myself forever is when you fall in love YOU GIVE YOUR ALL UNTIL YOU HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO GIVE.... NOTHING. My generation is full of those who are ready to give up and walk away or "on to the next" because they feel like people are disposable and feelings are irrelevant. That's never how I've felt and I'm glad to be old fashion. Now-a-days love is hard to come by... TRUE/LASTING LOVE so when you get it, you never want to let it go, but what do you do when you feel alone. It's hard to be confident in love when you're not confident in the relationship. 

     I don't know if it's just me, but I honestly feel like if the man finds his significant other truly worth it, he will make her feel like she is the most loved and beautiful thing that has crossed his path. I don't get that... I don't get anything. He tells me that he'd rather show it then say it, but thats never easy when you;re without. I don't know if its just me or I really am being foolish. I just wish there was a way I could wave a magic wand and fix everything and make it go back to the way it was when we first met, that was a feeling I'd never felt before and I'd rather never go away. 

Sorry to burden anyone with the trials and tremors of my heart, but I needed an out and this came to mind. 

Love always, 

A. Noelle