Advanced Emotionally Driven Social Interactions

OOOOOR.....MORE COMMONLY KNOWN AS RELATIONSHIPS

Every now and then you come across a relationship that sparkles, like most shiny new things that sparkle goes away under wear and tear. I gotta say, I absolutely LOATHE that feeling. I shall be transparent for a moment and open up my life. I have been in a relationship for 7 months now and it has been a test, good and bad. The assimilation of two personalities is always difficult, no matter how similar. Relationships can be so trying, why do outside factors weigh in? I often wonder why God allows for humans to have free choice in those we love. I know he knows it would make it easier if we were somehow spiritually bound from birth to our life partner, but nope, on the 5th day he said "LEARN TO LOVE".... Just my luck. In all of my 26 years of "infinite wisdom" it seems as though God has said so many things in one small breath when I've attempted to date. 

Sigh..... I am struggling with myself in a relationship now, the older it gets the newer it gets (THE STRUUUUUUGGGGGGGLLLLLE). I mean I am pulling my hair out trying to be this idealistic mate, in which I am failing at might I add, because our foundation is rocky! HA! Imagine that a developer who has a rocky foundation in life, God and his irony😏! Ah, well... This post is coming from frustration. Every time I want to appreciate something in the relationship, I still suffer from wondering mind syndrome. Such a hard thing to cope with when you aren't exactly stable... 

You know, I have a lot to say but no way to say it on the matter... It's so frustrating. GOD, if you can hear me, I'd truly enjoy a "freaky Friday" moment so that him and I understand each other!!! (I'm sure he is enjoying a laugh at my request right now). 

Let me sleep on this and maybe I'll come back in a timely manner with a good story! 

Madness 2/25/13

Madness....
Is it a manifestation of time and thoughts?


Nah...

It's the outward expression of an inward confession....
Madness...

Of the heart the love letter written from beating tremors
Madness....

In the compilation of heartfelt palpitations, do you ever sit back and think...

Time passes, you blink
Time passes, you stare
Time passes, you reflect

Madness....
Is the feeling of not letting go... Of the twisted contortions of deflated reality, the need to draw back and find the illusion that the heart holds... On...


The mind is hostage to the infliction of suppressed emotions, hard pressed to escape it's capture
Madness....

Restoration of an ancient ideal brought on by the infliction of a thousand year old notion that I Am his rib, he is my protection....
Madness....

Prospects and vision 2/25/13

Prospectively, I look at you...
You were a representation of an interpretation, my explanation...
Explanation to the very man I envisioned...
Another half of my conceptualized alpha and omega....
My heart strived to reconcile what had me in denial
I say... "I don't want this", but it's hard to (sigh)...
I MUST flee due to the emotions that over power me
I need to free myself of thoughts, that capture my heart

But what a sublime perspective we could have
If differences weren't the only thing you could grasp
Maybe God won't allow this union
This union of mind and soul
Without his approval it's out of my control
In this lifetime, at this moment, I want nothing more for this to be true

But for now mi amor, prospectively, I look at you

Letter to my EX (es)

One day ill forgive you but not until recently have I notice the amount of damage you did emotionally, it's very hard for me to start a new relationship because of the cruel person you were. At one point you stripped me of the love and kindness that I had. I almost got to the point where I didn't know if I could trust again. I'm telling you this because this ends today. No more will I allow my past to interfere with my future! I need to get this out and as God as my witness I will never allow your demons to follow me again. I will love again, I will be in a healthy and well deserved relationship and I will no longer allow myself to succumb to the emotional abuse ur spirit still carries over me!

Sincerely,

Done

Celibacy *My take* (Retro Post)

Celibacy- having or involving no sexual relations


I had a brief yet interesting conversation with a young man today about celibacy. He brought it to my attention that the issue with both men and women is their views of sex... (I SWEAR I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THIS SUBJECT). When I told him that I was celibate he responded with the mistake of saying "Oh you're another one of these females "claiming" to be celibate".. I could have smacked the mess out of him over the phone. 


Of course I took a brief moment to educate him in his poor choice of words... idiot
I clearly explained to him that to me this is an experiment for the better. Through personal experience and stories told from family &; friends of all ages, that age old tale of waiting for sex seems to hold true. We have heard time and time again that if you give it up too soon, he won't respect you, he won't take the time to get to know you, and you won't form a positive relationship. As a woman I feel like we do this subconsciously and some of us consciously as leverage to reel him in and make him "love us" or think it will somehow seal a bond that was never formed.
Somehow this young whipper snapper didn't understand that concept *cough* man whore *cough*


He proceeded to continue with his adolescent remarks and say "You must not be able to have sex without attachments"... I SOOOOO WANTED TO JUST BLOW UP ON HIM... but instead I responded without getting mad... ignorance angers the shit outta me. So I calmly let him know that having emotional attachments during sex is a good thing! I swear we have gotten so content with using sex as recreation, that we completely forget that it's intended to for a more emotional connection. I mean what kind of sex seeking slut do you have to be to find it stupid to tie emotion with sex... Aye dios mio


Its just so hard to explain to some people these days that you are searching for a deeper connection with another person.

*A brief post I never got a chance to finish*

How does it feel? (retro post)

When people say love doesn't have a limit do you believe them? Has anyone ever told you that they "loved you" but soon to find out their love was conditional... They tell you that they can't just be friends because they love you too much or because their feelings were too strong, do you ever just want to call their bluff? I find myself in some of the oddest circumstances and wanting to erase moments like this because of the outcome that follows.

Love is self-defining... what one person feels is TRUE love is not the same for another as much as we all would like to put love into a box and tie a pretty little bow around it we cant... It's a very abstract thing.

As I sat doing my hair today I was bored with t.v. and decided to watch Ghost Whisperer. In this particular episode there was an autistic couple, one of them happen to suffer a tragic death and before he crossed over he wanted to show his mate what love is.... this episode was touching in itself but I think it all clicked for me when the ghost turned to the main character and said... "What does love feel like?"  I know what ya'll are thinking.. "Adrienne, you are just too emotional and over think it all", but really I just loved that question... (I reiterate LOVE IS ABSTRACT).

Now I pose this question to y'all... WHAT DOES LOVE FEEL LIKE? I'm not just talking any love, I'm referring to romantic love. Is it like what we see in the movies where love just hits you like a ton of bricks and cupid plays dart board with your ass? Nah, I doubt that's it! (Although it would be funny to see that in real life) Does love feel like those butterflies people describe when they get around someone they just utterly adore? Personally I cannot answer that... those butterflies make me want to chug some pepto (no lie).

Being that I cannot answer what it feels like for y'all I will try to run down my "experience" with love (brace yourselves this should be interesting).

Now let me just give y'all a little insight into the situation that just occurred about 30 minutes ago... *All names have been changed, except mine lol*

Mark: "I understand you have a man, but I dont care about that, I want my Adrienne back"
Me: "Your Adrienne? Ok Mark what does that even mean?"
Mark: "Remember the times when we werent arguing, we had so much fun together and I wont even talk about the sex"
Me: "Riiiiiiiiiiight... well friends is always a good thought"
Mark: "I dont want to be your friend, I cant be your friend... When I told you I loved you I meant it"
Me: "OH please... when you told me you loved me you tried to renig on it, so therefore making it null & void"
Mark: "Ok.. if that's how you feel, just know I meant what I said, you're free to believe what you want. I dont wanna be friends"
Me: "Then your friends is limited and selfish"

You see that crap right there... THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO DEAL WITH, stupidity!!

Personally I do not believe this mutha-sucka for crap... any man who ever loves me will NEVER tell me what he can't be if he really wanted me in his life. The fact that he cannot respect the fact that I have someone else in my life that I've chosen to be with is another sign that my heart is not in his best intrest... oooooh the signs of a selfish-lover! Even if I cannot define what love feels like I can tell you what it's not... and this it is not!

Exception to the rule

Mars VS Venus, Men VS Women, Dogs VS. Cats... its all the same argument day in and day out. This on going battle between men and women and let me be the 1st to say I am tired of fighting. It only gets worse when its within your race. How often I am tired of men making comments about "Black women this, Black women that"! when on the flip-side men are so quick to let you know they are not YOUR past. This is all fine and dandy but honestly I'm tired of trying to be that exception to the stereotype for my counterparts. I love black men, I do, but I dont get it. When did it become only attractive to be a black women when we shut up get on our knees or lay on our backs. Give me the black man that looks at a black woman and his first thought is, what a Queen... not damn look at her ass!

Do not get me wrong, I love my sexuality, I embrace it, but THAT IS NOT WHO I AM... men do not look at me and see the value beyond my hips and breast and step to me with these preconceived notions that I am not worth the time of a conversation because all I will do is yell or roll my neck. *Someone please tell me you understand how irritating this is for me*

Men are constantly going on and on about how they want a woman who has more to her mind than to her body, but will stay going after that which is superficially beautiful. All that makeup and tight clothing cannot bring you someone who will love and care and cherish you until you're dying days. I for one am done dealing with that, a real man understands real beauty is from within and a real BLACK man understands that a real BLACK woman will bend over backwards and do for you as long as you treat her with respect and Godly love.

Love Always,
  A. Noelle